Now Is The Time To Heal

Sunset photo taken by Caleb White

To be honest. I’ve had a hard time lately dealing with the the fact that I left Hawaii. I miss it. I miss the island life, the energy I felt there, the atmosphere and the gorgeous view. Everything about it was beautiful. I loved my life there. It may have been the happiest I have ever been. Although it was hard at times and I definitely struggled, it was where I wanted to be. I knew when I took the job in Hawaii, the chances were that I’d only be there for a year, but I fell in love with the island and my life there and wanted to stay longer.

After losing my job, I tried to make it work for as long as I could in Hawaii. I ended up living with my best friend on the island and had a good job. It looked pretty promising. But once again I felt like my life was falling apart. After a while, I had a strong impression that I needed to move home. I fought that feeling for a while. I refused to go back to South Carolina. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and friends here, but I just felt like I couldn’t be myself and live the life I wanted. On top of that it’s like my past relationships and the unhappiness I felt before haunts me. Finally, I grew tired of fighting and learned to accept that I was no longer supposed to be in Hawaii. So, I called my parents and told them that I knew what I needed to do…I’m coming home.

I actually felt homesick for Oahu and cried myself to sleep for nights. It’s been over a month now and I’m starting to be more okay with being back. Each day gets a little better. It’s hard to let go. It’s hard not to wish I was still in Hawaii. Leaving was definitely the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Honestly, I think I rather have been dumped because leaving my life there was definitely more heartbreaking. I’ve felt very abandoned, confused and lost since moving home. I know I’m supposed to be here for some reason, but why? Why am I here? Why did I have to give up the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life?

I don’t know the answer to those questions yet, but for the first time in a long time, I’m feeling very hopeful and optimistic. I know there is a plan for me. It may not be exactly what I had in mind or maybe it is. It’s hard to believe that good things can happen, but they will. I know they will. Only because I have been through this several times before. This is not the first time I’ve been broken hearted or felt like I hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is a good place to start rebuilding yourself.

I’ve learned that you can’t expect everything to change and get better over night. It takes time to heal. It takes time to put yourself and your life back together. Be patient with yourself. Don’t give up hope. Believe in yourself and in your dreams. God has a plan for you. Trust in that plan. I know if I didn’t listen to that prompting to return home, I would miss out on other opportunities for great things to happen. I know that even though leaving Hawaii was difficult, He has something great planned for me next. I’m excited to see what will happen next and I wish I could know now. But now is the time for me to heal and to work on myself to get where I need to be.

A New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I was just thinking about everything that’s happened between now and this time last year. It has been a crazy year!

It started off well. I spent New Years with a couple of the greatest friends ever and then just a short few weeks later, I found out I got a job in Hawaii. I was excited to move.

My time here started off better than could ever be imagined. Lately, it has gotten a little rocky and now a little better.

I’ve changed and grown up a lot. I’m the same and completely different at the same time. I’ve tried new things and seen things I’ve never experienced before. Things I didn’t like or was scared of, I now enjoy. (For instance, when my sister was here in November, I ordered shrimp at a restaurant. She looked at me and said, “Are you going to eat that?” She was shocked because I don’t like seafood.)

It’s been an amazing journey living here in Hawaii. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat and honestly, I wouldn’t do anything differently…well, except have a better contract with my original job. Other than that, I didn’t regret a single thing.

The last few months haven’t quite been what I imagined for myself. I didn’t think I would have to search for a new job and a place to live. I knew living here would be different and sometimes a struggle. But I didn’t think I would end up without a place to live, having my job terminated early and my transportation all in a day. To start anew has been super tough. All I do now is work now.  I don’t have any time to spend with friends or explore the island. It actually breaks my heart.

So, after weeks of fighting myself about whether or not I need to stay here or go home, I’ve realized that what I need to do might not be what I want to do. I realize my adventure here in Hawaii is over for now and that I need to return home in February. Who knows? I would love to return. I want to come back.

This has probably been the hardest and most heartbreaking decision I’ve ever had to make. I love Hawaii so much. But after a while, I’ve started to be okay with going home. I know it’ll just be a temporary thing until I’m on to my next adventure. I’ve been thinking about moving to Charleston eventually but who knows.

What I do know is that my resolution for 2018 is to live a Happy life no matter where I am or who I am with.

Faith or Fear

I have lived in Hawaii for a little over 3 months now. It has been amazing and I love being here more and more each day. But as the days have gone by, I’ve become a little impatient. If you know me, that’s not really surprising. I’m not that patient at all. Everything has pretty much been great and I can see everything in my life falling into place…but it just feels like something is missing for me. I know I’m here for a reason, but I don’t know what that is yet. I know I haven’t been here that long, but I hoped I would have found out by now. Lately, I’ve had the same questions play over and over in my head. What the heck am I supposed to do? Why am I here? I left my family and friends and everything back home and came here on nothing but a spiritual prompting and faith.

When I first got here, I had this “go with the flow” mindset. Moving here was a fresh start. A great opportunity to learn new things and be who I want to be. It was great, no one knew me and I felt like myself for the first time in my life. I was no longer followed around by my past, I was able to let go of everything and I wasn’t afraid of the future anymore. I trusted that good things were going to happen to me and that there was a plan for me. I lived everyday off faith. Then slowly fear started to control my life once again. It’s such a bad habit of mine. I’m overthinking everything, all the time. I’m in my head. I’m stressing myself out.

Even though I’m on a completely different island, I became fearful that my past was just going to repeat itself here. I’m no longer living off faith. Fear is now fully in control. I’ve given up hope. I feel lost. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’ve been really quiet and have kept to myself lately. And that’s not me. I like to talk and laugh. I love to have fun. I’m always dancing and being silly. I love being around other people. How could I let this happen? 

The other day, I attended a yoga class. The instructor was talking about how there are two things that control our everyday choices. Faith and fear. The very two things that I’ve been battling with the past few weeks. It was a yoga, breath and meditation class and at one point our instructor had us trying to do a handstand. I thought it was odd, but went with it anyways. I couldn’t do it. I tried a ton of times and I was getting tired and became frustrated. I used to be able to do this as a kid. The lady next to me was able to do it. Why couldn’t I? It was fear. Fear of falling. Fear of dislocating my bad shoulder. Fear of injuring my neck or hurting my back again. I didn’t have faith in myself that I could do it. I didn’t have faith in my instructor.

I’m done allowing fear control everything that I do. I need to have faith in God and his plan for me. I need to have faith in His timing. It’s all going to work out. We never know why we have to go through what we have to go though, but we can either let it defeat us or make us stronger. We can either be afraid to take chances and be afraid of what could go wrong, or we can have faith that everything is going to be okay. I believe that we have more opportunities for great things to happen in our lives if we take risks and have complete faith that everything will fall into place.

“Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow.”